Phagging at one of the World Famous British Public Schools

From: The Rt Hon Mr N. Clegg (cantab)
Submitted on: December 15, 2011
To: Robert Gagbag

My Dear Robert,

When a young man, I attended on[e] of the World Famous British Public Schools of the sort that the Great British Prime Minister once attended. I’m not afraid to admit it but I was, as were all boys of a certain age, a “phag” (from crustatophagist). We used to make sure older boys and the Head Prefect (a “jasus”) were regularly supplied with sea cucumber, homarus gammarus, and anything with stridulating organs, as well as being shagged up the wrong ‘un.

I’m now happily married (to a woman!) And aggressive to all forms of crustaceans and even get accused of being crustatophobic by the Politically Correct Brigade. Yet I find myself wondering if I will really be saved due to my past life in crustatophagism. Please can you tell me my fate in the life to come and whether I should send my offspring to Westminster or Eton.

Thank you in advance,

N Clegg


From: Rob Gagbag
Sent: 2011/12/17
To: The Rt Hon Mr N. Clegg (cantab)

Dear Mr Clegg,

While here in the United States we are not greatly familiar with your English public school traditions, this “phagging” of yours does remind me of something in my own past of which I am not proud, but which I offer here for the purposes of moral instruction.

As a young sophomore at South-South-East Cotton Mather Baptist University Seminary, I was initiated to the Alpha Rho Sigma Epsilon chapter in a ceremony which involved the handling of some of the older guys’ eels. While none of their eels ever entered my mouth (I only held them in my hands), I note that today I would not even flirt with such possible temptation. Indeed, for over twenty years, my wife and I have happily eaten only fish with scales and fins, and it has only been on the rarest of occasions that, with my mouth full of the taste of my wife’s fish, my mind has wandered to my eel-handling days at Alpha Rho Sigma Epsilon. As an aside, my experience as a eel-handing sophomore later proved invaluable, when the United States Army Psych-Ops division asked for my professional advice concerning The Arab’s view on shellfish-eating, and the effects of forced crustatophagia on The Arab within the context of their shame culture. While I am not permitted to go into details, I trust that in some small way I have helped bring democracy to these people and peace in the middle east.

Returning to your immediate question, I can’t be more clear on the fact that it would be a grave mistake to view the aberrations of youth as evidence of some “natural propensity” towards shellfish-eating – as some liberal crustatophagists argue. Logic tells us that this does not follow. Even if you had eagerly sucked back the last drop of juice from the meat of every senior boy’s homarus gammarus, this does not at all mean you have any natural inclination toward so doing. If you have sinned in the past in the manner of crustatophagia, you may ask for forgiveness, and ask God to provide you with the strength not to be tempted again by such abominations. Nobody is born with a liking for shellfish, and in their lack of fins and scales we may recognize God’s sign that these creatures are clearly not intended for human consumption.

If you continue to face temptation, remember that there are a number of Ex-Crustatophagist Ministries support groups out there to help you maintain your change in dietary orientation.


Dr. Gagbag


2 thoughts on “Phagging at one of the World Famous British Public Schools

  1. I am sick and tired of those naysayers who caricature those of us who do not think that shoving a papilla on the coxa of the fifth pereiopod into another man’s mouth or sticking our fingers inside a certain somite (telson) is God’s will are just a bunch of old reactionaries. What they singularly fail to appreciate is that we anticrustatophagists are not a monolithic group. As the soft anticrustatophagist N.T. Wrymouth put it, the right/left polarisation is only as old as the French Revolution and inconsistency is only judged as such by those who accept that tick-all-the-boxes package deal.

    This leads me to my question: is true that the liberal postmodern procrustatophagists are really American imperialists? Let me tell you a little story which might illuminate my concern. At the recent San Francisco SBL, I was lucky enough to see and touch Wrymouth’s droopy liripipe in the registration queue for the prestigious 5.30am breakfast in the Nob Hill district hosted by the Calvinist Ombudsmen for Consubstantiation Kongress. Here men held hands and linked arms, which, before you ask, isn’t a homosexual practice because it was replicating what they do in the Middle East today and therefore just like what they did in the time of Jesus and Paul. Anyway, I digress. Wrymouth, as you are no doubt aware, is, like your good self, dedicated to wiping out the plague of crustatophagism from the Church. But did you know that he is also a leading critic of injustices in the Middle East? I understand that makes some our American brethren angry. But let me tell you this: Wrymouth taught me many things on that magical night (we arrived an hour early for the breakfast to make sure we got first helpings of salted hardhead). One thing in particular he taught me I will never forget: the appointment of a practising crustatophagist as homarus americanus was exactly like George Bush invading Iraq because all the people in Africa don’t like crustatophagism and to disagree with everyone in that continent is racist, imperialistic and ethnocentric, that the Bible was well counter cultural in its original historical context, and that the world has gone to the dogs thanks to Stoicism (or something like that). I don’t pretend to understand all the intricate details of the former Bishop of Drum’s complex arguments but would you agree that it is probably racist to eat shellfish or appoint a practising crustatophagist to a leading bishopric?

    Craig Craigslist (Bursar, Calvinist Ombudsmen for Consubstantiation Kongress)

  2. Pingback: Is it true that the liberal postmodern procrustatophagists are really American imperialists? | Robert Gagbag's Answers to Emails on the Bible and Shellfish Eaters

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