From: The Rt Hon Mr N. Clegg (cantab)
Submitted on: December 15, 2011
To: Robert Gagbag
My Dear Robert,
When a young man, I attended on[e] of the World Famous British Public Schools of the sort that the Great British Prime Minister once attended. I’m not afraid to admit it but I was, as were all boys of a certain age, a “phag” (from crustatophagist). We used to make sure older boys and the Head Prefect (a “jasus”) were regularly supplied with sea cucumber, homarus gammarus, and anything with stridulating organs, as well as being shagged up the wrong ‘un.
I’m now happily married (to a woman!) And aggressive to all forms of crustaceans and even get accused of being crustatophobic by the Politically Correct Brigade. Yet I find myself wondering if I will really be saved due to my past life in crustatophagism. Please can you tell me my fate in the life to come and whether I should send my offspring to Westminster or Eton.
Thank you in advance,
From: Rob Gagbag
To: The Rt Hon Mr N. Clegg (cantab)
Dear Mr Clegg,
While here in the United States we are not greatly familiar with your English public school traditions, this “phagging” of yours does remind me of something in my own past of which I am not proud, but which I offer here for the purposes of moral instruction.
As a young sophomore at South-South-East Cotton Mather Baptist University Seminary, I was initiated to the Alpha Rho Sigma Epsilon chapter in a ceremony which involved the handling of some of the older guys’ eels. While none of their eels ever entered my mouth (I only held them in my hands), I note that today I would not even flirt with such possible temptation. Indeed, for over twenty years, my wife and I have happily eaten only fish with scales and fins, and it has only been on the rarest of occasions that, with my mouth full of the taste of my wife’s fish, my mind has wandered to my eel-handling days at Alpha Rho Sigma Epsilon. As an aside, my experience as a eel-handing sophomore later proved invaluable, when the United States Army Psych-Ops division asked for my professional advice concerning The Arab’s view on shellfish-eating, and the effects of forced crustatophagia on The Arab within the context of their shame culture. While I am not permitted to go into details, I trust that in some small way I have helped bring democracy to these people and peace in the middle east.
Returning to your immediate question, I can’t be more clear on the fact that it would be a grave mistake to view the aberrations of youth as evidence of some “natural propensity” towards shellfish-eating – as some liberal crustatophagists argue. Logic tells us that this does not follow. Even if you had eagerly sucked back the last drop of juice from the meat of every senior boy’s homarus gammarus, this does not at all mean you have any natural inclination toward so doing. If you have sinned in the past in the manner of crustatophagia, you may ask for forgiveness, and ask God to provide you with the strength not to be tempted again by such abominations. Nobody is born with a liking for shellfish, and in their lack of fins and scales we may recognize God’s sign that these creatures are clearly not intended for human consumption.
If you continue to face temptation, remember that there are a number of Ex-Crustatophagist Ministries support groups out there to help you maintain your change in dietary orientation.