Spitting on the Sin at the Annual Dinner and Dance of the Associated Nestorians Anabaptists and Lutherans

From:Tom Whelk
Submitted on: 2011/12/12
Robert Gagbag

Dear Dr Robert,

I was recently at the annual dinner and dance of the much under appreciated and curiously little known group, the Associated Nestorians Anabaptists and Lutherans. one of the fellows asked me if I wanted a bit of cockle to spice up the evening so my reaction was – obviously thought I – to spit in his face (but aimed more at the sin than the sinner). I now think I might have got the wrong end of the bivalve, however. Please help!

NT Whelk


From: Robert Gagbag
Sent: 2011/12/13
To: Tom Whelk

Dear Tom,

I shall refer to you by your forename, to avoid stirring up any sinful hunger for the creature which goes by your surname – in particular the knobbed variety thereof – among weaker readers of this website.

The name of the group you associated with should have given you pause to consider their orthodoxy in matters both of doctrine and the eating of sea creatures. For while there are many among the Anabaptists and Lutherans who partake only of those sea creatures that the hand of God has clearly marked as fit for human consumption (with fins and scales), the Nestorians are another kettle of fish. These people are heretics, who cravenly distinguish between the human nature of the Son, which they claim is subject to the eternal law against crustatophagia, and the divine nature of the Son, which they claim frequented seafood restaurants along the Galilean coast during its earthly incarnation. I am therefore gravely suspicious about any Anabaptists and Lutherans who would be so unequally yoked with those who dwell in such doctrinal darkness.

I find that just mentioning such despicable piscine heresies gives me such a queer feeling that their state of rebellion against God is made obvious.

For these reasons – and many more might be added – your instinctual reaction to spit on the sin but not the sinner was undoubtedly correct. This was the prompting of the Holy Spirit, who dwells within, and who, through our obedience to his commands, may dwell ever further up and higher in. For in such a company of heretics, it is most unlikely that you had misunderstood your interlocutor’s intentions. But at the very worst, if you had mistakenly but honestly spit on an innocent person, then the Scriptures tell us that they may be cleared from all taint by a simple washing of clothes and body (Lev. 15:8).


Dr. Gagbag


2 thoughts on “Spitting on the Sin at the Annual Dinner and Dance of the Associated Nestorians Anabaptists and Lutherans

  1. My Dear Robert,

    When a young man, I attended on of the World Famous British Public Schools of the sort that the Great British Prime Minister once attended. I’m not afraid to admit it but I was, as were all boys of a certain age, a “phag” (from crustatophagist). We used to make sure older boys and the Head Prefect (a “jasus”) were regularly supplied with sea cucumber, homarus gammarus, and anything with stridulating organs, as well as being shagged up the wrong ‘un.

    I’m now happily married (to a woman!) And aggressive to all forms of crustaceans and even get accused of being crustatophobic by the Politically Correct Brigade. Yet I find myself wondering if I will really be saved due to my past life in crustatophagism. Please can you tell me my fate in the life to come and whether I should send my offspring to Westminster or Eton.

    Thank you in advance,

    N Clegg

  2. Pingback: Phagging at one of the World Famous British Public Schools | Robert Gagbag's Answers to Emails on the Bible and Shellfish Eaters

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